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slave richard: A recovering money slave

A blog documenting my steps to overcome financial domination

2/22/14 10:45 pm - A Close Shave

The last few days have been rather disappointing for me.  I chose to act out again, having bought some clips, as well as shopping Goddess Tierra's wishlist, and sending her an amazon giftcard.  I even signed up to her membership site!  I pretty much wasted all of today watching clips on goddesstierra.com.  I came so close to sending another amazon giftcard tribute, but thankfully I managed to control myself.  At one point of particularly high arousal, something completely unforeseen and miraculous happened - I completely snapped out of my 'trance'. I guess my logical, 'left brain' took over and realised how stupid I was being.  I realised if I continued down that path, I'd return to the old days, where I was consumed and completely addicted to findom, spending every penny and more on Goddess Tierra, and wasted countless days, months and YEARS of my life sitting in front of a computer screen.

Since I started recovery, my life has been improving.  My finances are being repaired, my social life is better, and my confidence is improving too.  I really wouldn't want to jeopardise everything I have achieved so far.  I consider this little 'blip' on my road to recovery as entirely temporary.  Lets hope this is the last hurdle before I move forward to a much better life.

6/6/13 09:58 pm - Progress

It's been a long time since I updated this blog and I feel it's time for an update.  Over the last year my success overcoming financial domination has been terrific, though not perfect.  I still come back and buy a few clips from time to time, however my payments to financial domination have reduced considerably.  I now have a strict budget I am sticking to and a financial management spreadsheet I complete to record every penny I spend.  These measures are helping a lot to curb my spending.  To check my progress, I did an EquiFax credit check recently and discovered, to my surprise, that my credit rating was actually in the 'excellent' bracket (though the lower end of this bracket).  This is solid, objective data that shows my efforts are starting to pay off.
My credit rating increases are not the only areas that have improved since my quest of overcoming financial domination started.  I am now pleased to say my 'porn induced ED' is now over!  For the last 2-3 months or so I've succeeded in orgasming in intercourse.  Goddess Tierra is not the only way I can get a release now.  I'm now gradually healing and making great progress towards freedom from this habit.

1/13/12 08:48 pm - The new year, a new me. So far so good!

I acted out pretty intensely at the end of 2011.  I got pretty drunk, and stayed up into the early hours binging on Goddess Tierra and Her clips.  I spent over $1k that day, but loved every second of it.  Goddess Tierra really does know how to play with and mind fuck her slaves.  It was like the old days again, Goddess Tierra just got me spending more and more and more on her, she really knows how to get inside my head and take everything, with no restrictions at all.  That night I really just let go, totally surrendered to her power and let her use me completely.  Part of me knew it would be the last time I'd act out like that so I really wanted to go all out, and I did.  I knew it would be short lived though.  One last surge of excitement and fun, before the new year arrived.  

When the new year arrived, I deleted all the clips I bought, all $1k+ of them.  It wasn't easy, but I knew I had to get rid of them so I wasn't carrying them over into the new year.

I'm now almost 2 weeks into 2012 and so far I'm doing well.  I get urges every day and night though, and right now I can assure you I have a huge urge to just hop over to Goddess Tierra's clipstore and splurge.  I'm keeping myself under control though, and making good progress, and I am being rewarded for it.  I have suffered from porn induced ED for many years, which completely ruined my sex life, but things are really improving in that area.  I'm getting more intimate with a girl now, and although the porn induced ED is not yet fully cured, things are certainly improving.  I'm meeting up with her again tomorrow, I'm pretty confident things will perform tomorrow night.  I just need to keep away from the porn and findom, and not let it screw me up.  The longer I am free from porn/findoms influence, the more my innate, natural sexual desires will start to show through, and the more natural sexual practices will appeal to me .

PS: This will be the last time I post here, so don't think I'm rude if I don't reply to your messages/comments.
I maintain my main porn/findom addiction recovery blog over at pornaddictioninfo.com: http://www.pornaddictioninfo.com/boards/viewthread.php?tid=6725

11/20/11 07:49 pm - 1 year since starting recovery

It's exactly 1 year since I started my 'serious' recovery.  Since I started I've had some successes, and unfortunately had a few slips along the way too.  But mostly I would say I have been successful, though not as successful as I would have wanted.  I  have slipped a lot more than I would have liked.  It's kind of a normal thing for me to last a week, sometimes two weeks, and then slip.  It's got to be almost an expected habit actually, which is why I'm no longer actually counting the number of days I've been free, I'm just focussing on today – one day at a time.  This seems to be working well so far.  I think I had a subconscious block that said I can't get beyond 7-14 days, so I ended up slipping.

Since I broke free from porn and findom, I got my first girlfriend, improved my financial situation,  reduced my stress levels and improved my confidence.  I have also seen an improvement in my porn induced ED, though this has yet to be fully cured.  I'm hoping my erectile function with real women will return to normal by the new year, if not certainly by the new financial year in April 2012.

The benefits of quitting this addiction are immense.  If I had continued down the path of addiction I would hate to imagine where I would be – deeper in debt, more serious P induced ED, no GF, more dependent on my former domme and findom and porn, bad relationship with my parents, bad credit rating, bad financial situation, missing out on life, low self-esteem, low confidence, poor social skills, increased stress, depression and anxiety. 

This time next year hopefully I'll be writing about how great my life has become.  I'd be a whole year free from porn/findom, I'd have a huge chunk of my debt repaid, I'd have a new GF, and my levels of self-esteem, confidence and self-respect would have reached an all new level.

The benefits of sticking at recovery are really worth it.  I'm going to keep going until I succeed, there is no giving in for me.

7/20/11 08:41 pm - The New Day 1

It's exactly 8 months today that I made the decision to break free from my addiction to financial domination.  Since then I've made tremendous progress, though I have had a few slips along the way.  I've learned that slips are not to be feared, but to be learned from.  I've also learned that this addiction to financial domination is linked to an addiction to pornography.  I've joined several porn addiction forums, such as www.pornaddictioninfo.com and www.recoverynation.com which have provided me with lots of information and guidance on how to break free, lots of support from other addicts, and inspiration from those addicts who have made it.  There are a few addicts on there also addicted to financial domination, but we are certainly a minority!  

I currently have K9 Web Protection installed on my computers, and have OpenDNS filtering at my internet gateway, which is proving useful, however I am evaluating some commercial webfilters / parental control software right now as I find K9 too easy to bypass, especially when I have administrative privileges and my 'inner addict' is at large.  

Back when I started on my journey I thought a slip was when I actually viewed my former owners site / watched one her clips.  From experience I've now decided to define a slip as any time I either view erotic material, or masturbate with erotic material viewed in my minds eye.  This is because the mind does not know the difference between anything vividly imagined and reality.  Last night I did MB before going to sleep, so I class that as a slip.  Its interesting that this leaves me as day 1 on the 20th of the month, which was the date I had previously broken free, though that was back on 20th Nov 2010.  

I'll be maintaining my blog over at http://www.pornaddictioninfo.com/boards/viewthread.php?tid=6725 rather than here, but I will be sure to update here on the 20th Nov 2011, exactly one year since I decided to break free, and also on 20th July 2011 which will (hopefully!) be my 1 year anniversary of breaking free for good!

1/9/11 08:00 pm - Learning to enjoy vanilla sex

Ever since I was about 16 (possibly even younger) I have been very much into BDSM and femdom, I’d love to imagine being dominated by women and humiliated.  All through high school vanilla sex just didn’t appeal to me.  I suspect this was mostly due to watching lots of femdom porn at this time.

I remember when I was really young, like 12 or 13, I was turned on by page 3 topless porn.  I remember I had a huge stash of it under my bed lol.  Then we got the internet, and I started exploring other forms of porn.  I remember topless porn just stopped having much of an effect, so I started viewing more extreme forms of porn, until I got into femdom, which lead onto financial domination.  Now I’m at the point where I can’t have an orgasm without serving a domme financially, and no other porn, or even vanilla sex, has any effect on me.

I’m writing about this now, as on Friday night, I met up with a girl I’d been talking with for a few weeks. Things got hot, but the only problem was I couldn’t get it up.  No matter how hard I tried, it just stayed limp.  She even gave me a BJ, but nothing.  I ended up giving her oral and massaging her deep spot with my finger, something she really enjoyed, especially when I used my other hand to pull her hair real hard.  She really loved that.  But I know she would have preferred me to fuck her properly with my cock.

Although I didn’t get to cum, I had so much fun that night, more fun than I have had for years.  It really made me realise what I was missing, it taught me to live life, not be so serious, and further reminded me of what damage BDSM/Femdom/Findom/porn has done to me.    I just wish I could enjoy normal vanilla sex just as much as I do financial domination.  In contrast to Friday night, this afternoon I visited my former owners blog, and I instantly got a raging boner.  I came very quickly and so intensely from hardly any stimulation at all.  Thankfully I didn’t buy anything but it was so tempting to splurge like crazy on her, especially with all the hot ass worship clips on her store.  Those clips usually make me so weak and get me every time.   I see that as a positive though, I know I can resist her, and I don’t have to pay to cum.

I’m so concerned now though, that if I overcome financial domination, if I collapse the anchor and break the association of my sex drive with findom, I won’t be able to cum again.  Will my mind relearn to associate vanilla sex with sexual arousal? I know back when I was 12, page 3 topless pics turned me on, so I know at my core that’s there.  It’s just been warped and twisted over the years from watching all this femdom/findom porn.  I need to learn to get back to the stage where normal things turn me on, not this fucked up findom/femdom crap.  Thinking about it, findom MUST have been a learned response.  Some people think people are born with it genetically programmed into themselves.  But how can that possibly be true?  The genome doesn’t know about computers or the internet!  Especially back in 1985 when I was conceived!  I have just learned to associate findom with my sex drive, and its been wired up there real good.

I’ve decided I’m no longer going to view my former owners blog or anything.  I’ll abstain from any porn/findom/femdom/fetish stimuli.  Hopefully this way my sexual arousal anchors will reset themselves, it’ll have to find an outlet somewhere, and if that’s vanilla sex then I guess it’ll get reset to that.

I’ll also stop posting to this blog as I find its too tempting for me to have a sneaky peek at my former owners website/blog/twitter/clips4sale store when I do, and the slaverichard blog name is an anchor back to my old submissive days.

I’ve bought a hypnosis recording from hypnosisdownloads.com designed to treat sexual fetishes.  I’m hoping that this will help bring me back on track and get me to enjoy normal, vanilla sex again, as nature had intended.

If this doesn’t work, then I’ll use the money I’m saving by not splurging on my former owner, on therapy from a professional hypnotherapist/NLP practitioner/counsellor.

I’m not going to let this ruin my life any more than it has.  I’m determined to succeed in 2011 once and for all.  I’m not going to waste another year to this addiction.

Richard

1/1/11 11:46 pm - 2011 - Resisting Temptation

So far so good, but I still keep having a huge urge to splurge on Goddess, especially now my bank account was recuperated somewhat yesterday after I was paid.  I was hoping that by Jan 2011 I would be well on my way to being free but it seems its not that easy.  Although I had a minor setback on Christmas eve, since then I’ve not bought any more clips or wishlist items.  There are some really hot looking clips on the clipstore though, including some which appear to be designed to break slaves resistance and ruin their recovery and new years resolutions.  That might work for some slaves, but I won’t be buying them, or any clips for that matter.  I’m not going to be tempted that easily and will never surrender to my former owners power.  I won’t have any more Tropical Productions or Amazon WA showing up on my bank statement in 2011, that’s for sure!

I’ve decided to stop with the whole alpha male thing.  Instead I’m just going to focus on not being submissive.  Trying to fake being dominant isn’t working, I just seem to be pissing people off wherever I go lol.

I wish everyone a fantastic 2011, and I hope all your goals and dreams come true.

12/12/10 09:32 pm - Day 21 – Recovery going well

Today is the day most habits are supposed to end.  For me its not happened fully but this week I have noticed a significant decrease in my desire to serve.  On the few occasions that I did have a desire to splurge on my former owners wishlist, I managed to resist, which I see as a positive and a success.

This will probably be the last entry in my blog.  I find whenever I login to do my blog I get tempted to view my former owners blog/website/clipstore/twitter/wishlist, etc.
I may put up some posts from time to time but I doubt it.  I want to get a good few weeks of being ‘sober’ so I’m fully free for the new year.  I don’t want to set overcome financial domination as my new years resolution for the third year running.  I want to already have that down and cleared, so I can focus instead on clearing my debts and working on my social/love life.  2011 is going to be my year, I’m determined that this will be the year my life turns around.

I’d like to thank all the people who have commented on my blog and helped to encourage me to change and overcome this addiction.  You all have been very supportive and I doubt I would have got to this stage without your suggestions, help and support.

One of the things that I haven’t mentioned before in my blog is that I started doing penis enlargement exercises again when I decided to overcome financial domination.
I do ‘jelqing’ exercises, PR muscle exercises and general penis stretches.  I also wear a Euro Extender traction device and take VigRX Plus pills and whey protein powder.  Twenty one days in, and I have noticed a change!  It’s only a small increase of half a centimetre, but hey, it’s a change!  In 6 months time I should have gained an extra inch!  For a cock my size that’s a significant increase!  I’m feeling very excited and optimistic now.  Half a cm isn’t quite what a lot of the PE companies boast (some say 1 inch a month, obviously hype), but I’m pleased with my results.  I think they are realistic and over the long term will produce impressive results that will vastly improve my confidence with women.

This weekend I decided to buy a membership to www.roundandbrown.com (which gives access to the wider reality kings network).  This is one of the things I’m replacing my former addiction to findom with, and using it to rewire my mind so I enjoy normal vanilla sex from now on.

The women on there are unbelievable hot.  I thought my former owner was the most perfectly beautiful woman on Earth until I checked out roundandbrown.com.  There are THOUSANDS of woman as hot, if not hotter than my former owner on that site.  I’m just spoiled for choice, I don’t have enough hard drive space for it all!  It just proves what Mystery says – beauty is common place.  It really is, I’m convinced of that now.

One thing I noticed is the women all like getting it hard and rough too.  It’s like what David Shade says in his books ‘The Secrets of Female Sexuality’ and ‘How to Give Women Wild Screaming Orgasms’ –  99% of women want a dominant man to LEAD in the bedroom.  They want to be treated like ladies in the living room, and ravaged in the bedroom.

I’m so glad I’ve left this whole male submissive self behind and embarked on this journey of self improvement now to rediscover my true masculinity and become a dominant alpha male.

As I said earlier, this will likely be the last post in my blog.  Maybe I’ll post back in a year or so with all the improvements I’ve made, or maybe I’ll just leave this chapter of my life closed and not turn to it again.  I think the latter is most likely.  I don’t really want to revisit this part of my life again tbh.

Again, I’d like to thank all the people who have given me suggestions and encouragement.  I wouldn’t have managed to stay this long without your help and support.

I wish everyone a happy Christmas and a fantastic 2011.

Richard

12/7/10 06:34 pm - To clarify a few things

Some people seem to think what I’m doing here is disrespectful to my former owner.  I can understand she may not appreciate me stopping serving her and writing this blog logging my progress, but I can’t see this as disrespect.  It's just a technique for me to open up and talk about my progress, struggles and overcome this addiction. 

In one of my posts I did mention how my former owner didn’t care about me.  That wasn’t totally true as she did put me on spending restriction and encouraged me to spend time with my family.  When I did this though, I was told I was slacking with my other duties.  Since Goddess came first, I stopped spending time with the family to get on top of my work for Goddess.  The spending restriction was put in place too late, and I must admit I wasn’t good as I did break it a few times.

Some of the comments on my blog posts may be disrespectful, and I now screen comments.  Any racist or blatantly insulting comments are not let through and are deleted as soon as I see them.

Back when I was owned my Goddess was my world.  I worshipped her daily, did everything I could for her, every decision I made was made with her interests in mind.  I worked a full time job and did overtime when I could so She didn’t have to work, and it felt great giving her all my spare money each month.  This relationship was great, I could not have wished for a better D/s or findomme relationship.  I consistently spoke of my Goddess as being the best findomme online and I really meant it.  Being owned and enslaved and controlled by her was amazing. If you followed my posts while I was owned, you would have read about all the great experiences I had serving her.  I have hidden these posts now though as they are no longer a reflection of who I am as a person.

The problem was of course, that living this slave lifestyle didn’t come without consequences, and everything Goddess tried to do to rectify the situation was done too late.  I appreciate what she did to help me, but it was just done too late.  I should have made it clear to Goddess that I was struggling before it got to the stage it got.  My credit cards had increased the interest rate up to 30%, reduced my credit limit and stopped me withdrawing cash.  I was scared she’d think I was broke and not want me around.

My finances are pretty much ruined right now, it’s going to take years to clear all these debts, my credit rating has taken a nosedive, I became isolated from my family and was becoming very dissatisfied with life.

That’s why I made the change to quit this whole online world and stop serving Goddess or any other findomme for that matter.

I think an important shift came for me when I no longer viewed her as a ‘goddess’.  I prefer to take a more objective view now.  In reality, she (and all other financial dommes) are just regular women.  Most have been graced with good lucks which they use to their advantage.  We live in a society that values beauty and a society where men are increasingly becoming emasculated and weak.  Gone are the days of ‘the Man of the house’ (unless the woman wants him to do something for her in which case she’ll play that card!).  It seems there are very few REAL men left now.  My goal is to become one of these men.  The first step to get there is to overcome this addiction.  And that is what I’m doing now.  I’ve got a whole new attitude now: No more Mr Nice Guy!  I won’t take shit from anyone now.  Gone are the days of me kissing up to people and being nice.  I no longer allow myself to be clouded and blinded by emotions or women’s beauty.  I’ve learned this gets you nowhere in life.

12/5/10 10:38 pm - Day 14 – I may have lost the battle but the war isn’t over yet

This week was the worst week to date.  Due to all the snow we are getting here I wasn’t able to go to any of the yoga classes I had been to the week before.  This meant I stayed in, which means the computer was tempting me.  I managed to resist it for a few days but cracked on Wednesday and visited my former owners website, blog and clipstore but didn’t buy anything.  Then on Saturday night I succumbed fully.  I spent over $250 on my former owners clips and had the best orgasm I had since escaping from her.

When I left I deleted ALL her clips from my collection and my backup drive.  I had every single one of her clips in my collection so it really was hard getting rid of them all.  I had spent many thousands of dollars on them too.  The regular porn I’ve been watching since escaping her hardly gets me aroused at all.  It takes forever for me to cum and when I do its nothing like what it was like when I was owned and watching Goddess Tierra’s clips.

Yesterday I ended up buying all my favourites, which are mostly ass worship clips.  Her ass does it to me all the time, I simply cannot resist her ass.  Her feet are hot too, and her boobs, and her legs, and I also love her face too, though some people say she’s not got a pretty face. I think differently.

Anyway, I woke up this morning really angry with myself for allowing myself to spend like this.
I just don’t know why I do it, she’s hot but so what?  I mean why do I feel so compelled to serve her, and how can I stop!  No other porn does it for me but her!

In NLP they say that everything is process.  It seems my former owner and findom has effectively been wired up in my mind as my sexual arousal process.  I’ve just got to rewire that process to normal sex.  Once I’ve done that I’ll (theoretically!) be able to enjoy the exact same pleasure I get fucking a real women as I get from serving a Domme. I’ve just got to stick at it, it’ll take time and discipline but once I’ve accomplished it, my life will be changed forever.

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