Some people seem to think what I’m doing here is disrespectful to my former owner. I can understand she may not appreciate me stopping serving her and writing this blog logging my progress, but I can’t see this as disrespect. It's just a technique for me to open up and talk about my progress, struggles and overcome this addiction.
In one of my posts I did mention how my former owner didn’t care about me. That wasn’t totally true as she did put me on spending restriction and encouraged me to spend time with my family. When I did this though, I was told I was slacking with my other duties. Since Goddess came first, I stopped spending time with the family to get on top of my work for Goddess. The spending restriction was put in place too late, and I must admit I wasn’t good as I did break it a few times.
Some of the comments on my blog posts may be disrespectful, and I now screen comments. Any racist or blatantly insulting comments are not let through and are deleted as soon as I see them.
Back when I was owned my Goddess was my world. I worshipped her daily, did everything I could for her, every decision I made was made with her interests in mind. I worked a full time job and did overtime when I could so She didn’t have to work, and it felt great giving her all my spare money each month. This relationship was great, I could not have wished for a better D/s or findomme relationship. I consistently spoke of my Goddess as being the best findomme online and I really meant it. Being owned and enslaved and controlled by her was amazing. If you followed my posts while I was owned, you would have read about all the great experiences I had serving her. I have hidden these posts now though as they are no longer a reflection of who I am as a person.
The problem was of course, that living this slave lifestyle didn’t come without consequences, and everything Goddess tried to do to rectify the situation was done too late. I appreciate what she did to help me, but it was just done too late. I should have made it clear to Goddess that I was struggling before it got to the stage it got. My credit cards had increased the interest rate up to 30%, reduced my credit limit and stopped me withdrawing cash. I was scared she’d think I was broke and not want me around.
My finances are pretty much ruined right now, it’s going to take years to clear all these debts, my credit rating has taken a nosedive, I became isolated from my family and was becoming very dissatisfied with life.
That’s why I made the change to quit this whole online world and stop serving Goddess or any other findomme for that matter.
I think an important shift came for me when I no longer viewed her as a ‘goddess’. I prefer to take a more objective view now. In reality, she (and all other financial dommes) are just regular women. Most have been graced with good lucks which they use to their advantage. We live in a society that values beauty and a society where men are increasingly becoming emasculated and weak. Gone are the days of ‘the Man of the house’ (unless the woman wants him to do something for her in which case she’ll play that card!). It seems there are very few REAL men left now. My goal is to become one of these men. The first step to get there is to overcome this addiction. And that is what I’m doing now. I’ve got a whole new attitude now: No more Mr Nice Guy! I won’t take shit from anyone now. Gone are the days of me kissing up to people and being nice. I no longer allow myself to be clouded and blinded by emotions or women’s beauty. I’ve learned this gets you nowhere in life.