Ever since I was about 16 (possibly even younger) I have been very much into BDSM and femdom, I’d love to imagine being dominated by women and humiliated. All through high school vanilla sex just didn’t appeal to me. I suspect this was mostly due to watching lots of femdom porn at this time.
I remember when I was really young, like 12 or 13, I was turned on by page 3 topless porn. I remember I had a huge stash of it under my bed lol. Then we got the internet, and I started exploring other forms of porn. I remember topless porn just stopped having much of an effect, so I started viewing more extreme forms of porn, until I got into femdom, which lead onto financial domination. Now I’m at the point where I can’t have an orgasm without serving a domme financially, and no other porn, or even vanilla sex, has any effect on me.
I’m writing about this now, as on Friday night, I met up with a girl I’d been talking with for a few weeks. Things got hot, but the only problem was I couldn’t get it up. No matter how hard I tried, it just stayed limp. She even gave me a BJ, but nothing. I ended up giving her oral and massaging her deep spot with my finger, something she really enjoyed, especially when I used my other hand to pull her hair real hard. She really loved that. But I know she would have preferred me to fuck her properly with my cock.
Although I didn’t get to cum, I had so much fun that night, more fun than I have had for years. It really made me realise what I was missing, it taught me to live life, not be so serious, and further reminded me of what damage BDSM/Femdom/Findom/porn has done to me. I just wish I could enjoy normal vanilla sex just as much as I do financial domination. In contrast to Friday night, this afternoon I visited my former owners blog, and I instantly got a raging boner. I came very quickly and so intensely from hardly any stimulation at all. Thankfully I didn’t buy anything but it was so tempting to splurge like crazy on her, especially with all the hot ass worship clips on her store. Those clips usually make me so weak and get me every time. I see that as a positive though, I know I can resist her, and I don’t have to pay to cum.
I’m so concerned now though, that if I overcome financial domination, if I collapse the anchor and break the association of my sex drive with findom, I won’t be able to cum again. Will my mind relearn to associate vanilla sex with sexual arousal? I know back when I was 12, page 3 topless pics turned me on, so I know at my core that’s there. It’s just been warped and twisted over the years from watching all this femdom/findom porn. I need to learn to get back to the stage where normal things turn me on, not this fucked up findom/femdom crap. Thinking about it, findom MUST have been a learned response. Some people think people are born with it genetically programmed into themselves. But how can that possibly be true? The genome doesn’t know about computers or the internet! Especially back in 1985 when I was conceived! I have just learned to associate findom with my sex drive, and its been wired up there real good.
I’ve decided I’m no longer going to view my former owners blog or anything. I’ll abstain from any porn/findom/femdom/fetish stimuli. Hopefully this way my sexual arousal anchors will reset themselves, it’ll have to find an outlet somewhere, and if that’s vanilla sex then I guess it’ll get reset to that.
I’ll also stop posting to this blog as I find its too tempting for me to have a sneaky peek at my former owners website/blog/twitter/clips4sale store when I do, and the slaverichard blog name is an anchor back to my old submissive days.
I’ve bought a hypnosis recording from hypnosisdownloads.com designed to treat sexual fetishes. I’m hoping that this will help bring me back on track and get me to enjoy normal, vanilla sex again, as nature had intended.
If this doesn’t work, then I’ll use the money I’m saving by not splurging on my former owner, on therapy from a professional hypnotherapist/NLP practitioner/counsellor.
I’m not going to let this ruin my life any more than it has. I’m determined to succeed in 2011 once and for all. I’m not going to waste another year to this addiction.